Practicing Peace: Self-Connection

The mindfulness practices help me get through each moment at a time, but if there is something larger that’s contributing to my unease, I try to evaluate for that and address it. Some of these are simple external things (am I hungry? tired?) and some are more complex internal/emotional issues (what fundamental belief is being challenged right now by the way my child is acting?).

Let’s start with the simple one.

Physical Needs
My sister-in-law once had a big list, scrawled in crayon on a big piece of craft paper, on her refrigerator that said something like:

EAT
DRINK WATER
TAKE VITAMINS
DRINK TEA/CAFFEINE
GET OUTSIDE
CALL SOMEONE
START OVER

They were reminders to herself to take care of her basic needs before trying to barrel through whatever situation was at hand. Whenever she felt overwhelmed, she would look at her list.

I loved it, and I immediately adopted it.

(Have you noticed that nothing on my list is something I made up? I am so grateful that this information has come to me from so many sources.)

Whenever I am feeling a bit rushed, disoriented, and inflexible, my check-in looks like:

:: Do I need to eat something?

:: Drink some water. (I can always use more water.)

:: Am I feeling more tired than usual? Can I think of some simple, low-energy ways for me and the kids to connect? (Reading in bed, anyone?)

:: Is there a source of noise that I can minimize? Can I wear earplugs? (I am really sensitive to loud noises and multiple noises.)

:: Is there a lot of visual clutter that might be contributing my overwhelm? What’s one single task I can do that will help?

:: Am I too hot or cold?

:: Have we been in the house a long time?

Sometimes I try to sit quietly for a just a moment before trying to figure out what’s going on and sometimes I just shovel food in my mouth so I can feel a little more sane before trying to figure anything else out (I have low blood sugar and food is often needed to help me get centered).

I just remembered that a couple of years ago Orlando and I made a list together… I asked him, “What can we do when we’re feeling kooked-out and overwhelmed?” We wrote his ideas and put them on the fridge. I think I’m going to do that again!

Feelings and Needs
This one comes from nonviolent communication, of course. They are all about the feelings and needs! This honestly took me years to develop. I read that book by Marshall Rosenberg three times in four years and could never bring it into my daily life. The awesome NVC teacher I found changed all that.

The exercise itself sounds deceptively simple… try to identify your feelings and needs and make requests rather than going around acting unaware, triggered, grouchy and making demands. (Or maybe that’s just me.)

But that’s like saying, just start speaking French, immédiatement. And it’s pretty hard to say anything in French if you don’t know the first thing about the language…

So what do you do before you speak? You listen, you absorb, you practice, you sound like a fool. But pretty soon, you’re standing around your kitchen, saying, “When you throw your brother to the ground like that, I feel totally sad and stressed! I want to help you both feel safe. Would you be willing to ask for my help next time?”

A lot of people poo-poo NVC, but if the alternative is saying, “Knock it off! How many times have I told you to stop! What is wrong with you?!” and the response is cold-eyed, dirty looks from my six-year-old and dazed sadness from my three-year-old, I’ll take the NVC, please.

I’ve also heard the complaint that NVC can sometimes feel manipulative, and I would agree. But the problem isn’t with NVC itself but with the fact the person using it is still focused on getting the other person to change and thinking about what they don’t want.

What I like about NVC is its ability to help me become accountable for my own feelings and needs and to get in touch with my beautiful vision of how things could be. If an inspired request comes from that, great. But there are many times that I don’t actually make a request of another person; rather I end up changing my own behavior or shifting the way I’ve been relating to things.

Listening In
This is a process that incorporates Hakomi Therapy/Focusing and a body-scanning technique I learned in my nonviolent communication class.

Basically, the exercise is to sit quietly and let your body settle. Sit for as many minutes as you would like, and then turn your attention to the core of your body, letting it know that you’re ready to listen. Sit with your eyes closed and sense if there is any part of your body that draws your attention.

Put your hand on that part of your body, and ask it (silently or aloud) to tell you what it is feeling and needing. Or you might just let it know that you’re willing to listen and see what it says. Sometimes just a word appears that explains how it feels, such as “heavy,” “stuck,” “jumpy.”

Also check back with the part that the words match what is going on. Sometimes you can feel an energetic shift, a relief, just like how your kids can respond when you truly listen to them/offer your presence. You can reassure the part that your hear what it is saying.

An example from my life was a very tense upper back after a particularly stressful family emergency a few months ago. The pain was acute, so my attention went there. When I placed my hand there and silently asked what it was feeling, the response was, “Sad,” and when I asked what it needed, I heard, “Warmth, comfort.” I had gone days noticing my aching back but had never taken the time to actually listen and follow-up on what it might need.

Another example is that there was something going on with my eye recently, and when I settled in to listen, I didn’t hear a response but instead saw a specific image of an event from two years ago. I have a therapist that I can follow-up with these things about, but you could journal or contemplate them on your own or ask for guidance in a dream, or whatever woo-woo thing you want.

I’ll cover the last self-connecting technique in the next post.

This post is part of my Practicing Peace series:
Introduction
Mindfulness
Mindfulness (continued)
Self-connection
Self-connection (continued)
Meditation
How to Meditate

(You might have noticed that some of the book links go to my amazon store. If you were thinking of purchasing through Amazon, consider doing it through my store. I will use all the proceeds to purchase food and donate it to local food banks.)