Here is the last self-connection technique I’ll share. I covered three others here.
Journaling
I learned a new journal format in my nonviolent communication class that basically goes like this: write down what’s going on for you, and then give yourself empathy by guessing what feelings and needs are underneath the issue. It’s a little weird talking to yourself, but I have a long history of doing so, so it works fine for me.
I’m including an example I did this summer. I think it illustrates how NVC can help move me from a closed feeling of wanting to control to a more expansive, collaborative state of mind.
I wrote it after we had just returned from four days at my parents’ house. Orlando was acting extremely hyper, having trouble listening, making faces at me, seemingly spinning out of control.
In the example below, the words in regular type represent “judgment,” in which I am free to say anything about the issue, including about other people. The italicized words represent guesses at what feelings and needs might be under the judgments.
Here is a copy of what I wrote:
Orlando should not be so hyper, he should not be jumping up and down. He should listen to me and settle down.
Are you wishing you could have some peace and quiet?
Yes! Why do things have to be so crazy? Why is he so out of control?
Are you feeling curious?
No, just completely out of control myself. I am unsettled, uncentered, agitated… I would like to be able to feel open and calm.
So it sounds like you’re needing connection with him?
Yes, but it is like I am too irritated to make a connection. It is like we are repelling each other.
Are you feeling sad… disappointed?
Yes! I would like to be able to better recover from those times when our family is “off.” I just feel so sick and tired of the same loop repeating itself over and over in our family. It is like we are stuck on some spinning wheel and as soon as things get tough, everything falls apart.
Are you feeling fatigued? Wishing that you had more support and resources? More skills? More collaboration?
Yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes! I wish that everyone in our family had the habit of turning toward each other with the intent to construct rather than destruct… and at the very least, if we weren’t ready to construct, then to adopt a practice of “do no harm.”
It sounds as if you’re feeling frustrated… because you’re needing support, skills, and collaboration (same as above).
Yes… but I don’t know how to get them. I don’t know how long it will take. [feeling softer]
It sounds as if you’re feeling worried because you’re needing some encouragement and trust that you (and your family) will learn these skills. That you and Rom will learn them and be able to pass them on to your children.
Yes… sometimes I feel so discouraged. I want to learn from our mistakes. [feeling more energy]
Are you needing some hope? Some reassurance that mistakes are okay (even helpful)?
Yes. I’d like to be able to give myself a break, and to see the big picture rather than focusing on all the things that go wrong.
It sounds like you’re needing some recognition for all that you have already learned and are learning.
Yes! We are learning! [I felt a big sense of relief — almost like laughter. I sat quietly to see if there was anything else judgment needed to say, and when nothing came up, I did the last part of the exercise.]
And when your need for recognition is met, what other, deeper need is met?
Hope.
And when your need for hope is met, what other, deeper need is met?
Happiness, togetherness, ease.
And when your needs for happiness, togetherness, and ease are met, how do you feel?
I feel great! Excited.
* ~ *
And at that, I got up from the computer and walked down the stairs, ready and wanting to see my crazy, kooked-out son.
Self-connection is the term my NVC teacher uses, and I think it can be misleading, implying that all you need to do is connect to yourself. But the point, for me, is to connect with myself so I can connect with others, the people here in front of me, in my house, across the street, around the world.
If I am tangled up in the stuff of self, I am often feeling overwhelmed, inflexible, reactive. By offering open, nonjudgmental presence to that stuff, those feelings have the opportunity to be heard and subside/transform… Then I’m free to return to the present moment, to step back into the flow of life, into the flow of how things really are. I am free to be present to life, and I’m available to the people and beings around me.
When I first began going to therapy and taking nonviolent communication classes, I kept having these persistent thoughts that I was being indulgent, myopic, and wasting everyone’s time. I still have these thoughts every once in a while (in Hakomi, this voice would be a “part”). But I’m beginning to understand that it is when I am not aware that I have a higher chance of being indulgent, myopic, and squandering the chance we’ve all been given: To be here, really here, together.
Do you do any self-connecting techniques? Please share! Also, if you try any of these, please come back and tell us about it!
Respectful Parents, Respecful Kids (book) by Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (book) by Marshall Rosenberg
NVC Online Academy
“Searching for the Truth,” an article about Focusing by David Rome
Overview of Focusing (includes lots of links), a page by Scott Noelle
The Hakomi Method, an explanation from the Hakomi Institute
(You might have noticed that some of the book links go to my amazon store. If you were thinking of purchasing through Amazon, consider doing it through my store. I will use all the proceeds to purchase food and donate it to local food banks.)
Introduction
Mindfulness
Mindfulness (continued)
Self-connection
Self-connection (continued)
Meditation
How to Meditate