Orlando was swinging something around behind me. It was long and whip-like. I turned around and told him, “Orlando, no swinging in the house. That could really hurt some—— is that my headset?”
Orlando immediately handed over what he had been swinging. It was, in fact, the fancy, low-radiation headset for my phone.
“Oh no!” I held the headset in my hands. “It doesn’t retract anymore. Aaaagh. This was my special thing, and now it’s broken!” I was feeling disappointed, and exasperated, and sad.
Orlando stood next to me, his arms flopping down at his sides, “Oooaaaah. It’s my fault. It’s my fault!” And he left the room and made himself into a little ball, curled up by the heat vent across the hall.
I continued sitting at my desk, my head down. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want my son to internalize this “my fault” message, and yet, here we were. I felt sad about the headset but I felt sadder about my son — about us.
I stood up and went to him. I knelt down, and I said to him, “Orlando, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was speaking so loudly… I felt surprised and sad when I saw my broken headset. But those are my feelings.”
I wanted to find a way to tell him that he wasn’t responsible for how I felt. “And you and I have different feelings. We have different feelings.”
He was looking up at me now. I waited a moment, and then I ventured, “You look like you might be feeling a little sad and…” — it broke my heart to say it, but I added — “scared.”
He nodded up at me. Oh, the sadness!
“You were feeling scared when I said those things. I’m sorry, honey. I want you to know that whatever happens, no matter how I am feeling or how you are feeling, we can work it out.” I stopped a moment. and then this sentence popped out: “Our relationship is okay.”
He looked up at me, filled with wonderment and relief. His eyes were sparkling.
And then we were closer together, with me touching him and him leaning into me, “Our relationship is always okay. We’re okay.”
And we believed it.
{Right before this happened, I had been watching Gordon Neufeld’s Power to Parent video series with a group of parents. Neufeld talks about how attachment works between children and parents, and about how to treat our children in ways that honor that relationship. He says many times how important it is to reassure, and show, our children that “our relationship is okay.” So, I suppose I was channeling Gordon Neufeld in that moment! The video series is based on his book Hold On To Your Kids.}